29.

I still can't believe it. I still can't believe that it all happened. And so fast. What felt like so fast. You hear stories like these, and you never think it will be your own. You don't want to imagine it, because it's awful. But then there you are living it and you don't have to imagine anything. It's happening. It's happening yet it's unbelievable. I say it out loud to people and I still can't believe it. I still want to believe that you'll be back. That we'll just be together again one day and saying, "Well that was fucked up, I'm glad that's over". But that's not going to happen. I know you're gone. I watched it happen - I heard it, saw it, felt it. But my brain still can't believe it. Even though I lived it, there's times none of it feels real. Did all of that shit really happen? Sometimes it still feels like I'm dreaming all the time. Everything that happened feels so unbelievable - my brain tries to make sense of it by comparing it to dreams? Because surely that couldn't have all been reality? But it was. Some things feel so blurry, and others are so clear, it's visceral. Some moments are just gone and others feel like they're still happening, right in this moment. How can you be gone? Forever? No, it's not possible. You're gone forever? What the fuck, how can that even be? My whole life you've been here and that all just stops? I just can't believe it. All the things you were doing, working on, all the relationships you had, memories and experiences, plans - all this is just no more? It just doesn't make sense. If death is a part of life - why is it so impossible to comprehend? We know all of our lives end in death. So why does it feel so unbelievable? I really, still, just can't believe it. And I don't want to. I don't want to because it's the fucking worst and I just can't believe it.