20.

What will happen on that first day where the loss isn't the first thing I think about? What will that feel like? Do I feel afraid of that moment? I think in a way I do. It's already such a bizarre experience to see that the earth is still turning. So strange that after she died, life went on. Days passed. Holidays came. Weather changed. It all kept going. But my world, that was different. My world had stopped, been turned upside down, and everything was different. This world where I live runs parallel with the other, "normal" world where life goes on. But in my world all I can think about is how she is dead now. My world stopped. What will it feel like to return to that normal world? Do you ever, really? Or are you just straddling both worlds, one foot in each of them trying to learn how to balance it all? What will it mean when I have more moments where I don't think about it? I'm not there yet, but everyone tells me that comes at some point. It will feel so bizarre. Life going on, as if my entire world wasn't just turned upside down. Does a shift in my grief mean I'm "moving on"? What the fuck does "moving on" even mean? How can you even "move on" from someone dying? There's no moving on, it's just "this is your life now". I don't know what it will be like - that first morning where I don't think of the loss right away. It seems far away and strange. Part of me wants to get there and part of me doesn't because it's just another layer of accepting that she's gone forever and I fucking hate that.