19.

I want to remember your voice. I want to hold on to your laugh. I want to remember your genius, quick humor. I want to remember the softness in your voice when you were comforting me. I always want to remember when you put your hand on my cheek and said, "I love you my sweet girl". I want to remember all of the walks we took. I want to remember the conversations we had where you gave me such good and sound advice. I want to remember all of our travels together. I want to remember all the times we laughed together. I want to remember how you always asked what special thing I wanted for dinner when I came back home. I want to remember painting by number with you. I want to remember when I went with you to help with your volunteering. I want to remember when we went to meditation together. Went to the movies, the times we went out to eat. I want to remember all the times you visited me, how you cooked for me, and saw my life. I want to remember going to the beach. The time we walked the golden gate bridge. The time we spent in that crazy airbnb, trying to find me an apartment in San Francisco. I want to remember telling you about my experiences, my relationships, and feeling heard and understood. I want to remember how you made me buttered noodles. How you helped me with my school projects. I want to remember you rubbing my back. I want to remember going to the botanic gardens. I want to remember your amazing one-liners. I want to remember watching musicals and old movies with you. I want to remember your grace and patience with me.

We had so many happy moments. We laughed so much together. When I think about it, it makes me smile. Your humor was just the best, your support so foundational, and your love completely unconditional. There are a lot of hard and sad moments from when you were sick, that logically most would think I would want to forget. But I'm not sure. Because any memory of you, good or bad, is a moment that I had with you, and I cherish that. And I know you would want me to look at these hard moments and find what I could learn from them. I don't think you would want me to turn away from them.

There's so many times I want to remember. So many simple moments - watching tv, being at home together - nothing spectacular. But you were alive in those moments so now they are sacred.

It will be so hard to have new memories where you aren't in them. All of my memories include your alive-ness in them. It will be hard and different now.

I want to remember it all. Most of all, I want to remember everything you taught me, and how much you loved me.