16.

Is my heart broken? Yes. When I think about the heart, I think about how yours stopped. I was holding your hand. And then I had my hand on your chest. And then there was nothing. During hospice, the nurse said you had a strong heart. I already knew that but it was reassuring to hear it confirmed by someone that had just met you. By someone that was helping us, to help you, die peacefully. You had a strong heart and then it was gone. It shocks me how a heart can work one second and the next it just stops. Do I have a strong heart like you? It doesn't feel like it. Sometimes it feels like my heart could just crumble to ashes. Yours was so strong, even all the way up to the end. The days you were in hospice, I checked and felt for your heart. I put my hand on your chest and felt it. I could see a tiny movement in your neck that correlated with each heart beat. Indicating to me you were still alive. Your heart was still going. I watched you breathe, too. Your chest rose and fell. And sometimes there were such long pauses between your breaths and I would feel such panic and think, "Oh no, it's happening". But then you would take another breath, and your heart kept beating. It kept beating until it didn't and I'll never forget that moment. I'll never forget the feeling of having my hand on your chest, and there being nothing anymore. It broke my heart.