13.

Why don't we wear black anymore when we're mourning? Would I do it if we did? Do we all just want to pretend that there aren't people walking around, all the time, grieving the loss of someone? In a way, it would be helpful to me to wear black. An indication to others - I am fragile, be gentle with me. If I saw others in their black, I would have an instant connection with them, a knowing of, "Ah, you too.." I would feel less alone.

Death is so uncomfortable for people. "How are you doing?" - indicating what they're referencing but never fully saying, "how are you doing since your mom passed?" Are people afraid the words will hurt too much to hear? Hearing the words is a small fracture compared to the gaping chasm I experience from feeling the loss everyday. Are they afraid they'll remind me? As if I'm not thinking about it all the time. I think about it and see it in everything I do. A stranger I walk past, I wonder, "Is their mom dead too?"

Living close to the fault line of death is indelible. It seems like it stirs in others a feeling of discomfort - is it avoidance? The reality of living and dying is too much to face? But what about for those of us that have been forced to face it? We watched it happen, in front of us, with our own eyes. Learned what it looked and sounded like to see someone take their last breath. I should be wearing black or some kind of mark that says, "I went though that. That happened. And it was terrible and I'm not okay."

Maybe it would help all of us to realize how often and pervasive grief exists. We're all guaranteed to experience it in some form. Why is it pushed below the surface so much? It's hard to feel welcome in the 'regular' world when I have this entire new outlook and experience. I don't know where or how I will fit into it again because there has been such seismic shifts - the very foundation under my feet is completely different. Doesn't that count for something? I wish we would still wear black so people could know - this is where I am, my entire world and landscape is new and the terrain is different and I have no idea what I'm doing, be patient with me. The alternative feels like pretending. Pretending that I'm on the same land, when I know I'm not. I don't feel welcome in that world but I also feel terrified in this new one.

I'm close to the crevice that separates my life into before and after. I never thought I would be on the after side this young. I don't know how to navigate this new world and I wish there was an easier way to tell people this. To tell them without having to explain, go into it, to just simply and quickly communicate, "this is where I'm at and please just let me be". I have so much to learn on my own it makes it harder when other people's pressures are added on to that.

The reality of life and death, the unwelcome nature of how people can't confront it, it imprints a new meaning into my self about where I'm at. I want to wear black so people can know.