12.

Sometimes when I feel the swell coming and I get a lump in my throat and wetness forms at my eyes - I tell myself to stop. Sometimes I know in that moment that if I let that swell build, it will be too much. So I halt what is happening and shove it down inside. Is it healthy? Is it good to have simmering swells pushed deep down into your body? I don't know. Sometimes I know that it will be too much. That in that moment I can't let it overtake me - I am unprepared. I don't have what I need. So sometimes it is a good thing. That I can protect myself. But I know those swells have to go somewhere. Their energy and force are too large and strong to just disappear. How will I manage all of them? At some point there might be so many built up that the dam will break and I will be drowned by the onslaught of every single un-addressed swell that's been building in my body. Once they start can they ever be stopped? Stopping these swells isn't to ignore them. It's to acknowledge that the loss is so big. I, as a single person, existing, living, cannot manage it all alone. I just can't. It's too much. So it is a self protection. But again, the swells go somewhere. Maybe I will swim in them - piece by piece. I will grab a raft, a flotation device, a whistle, so when it gets to be too much I can rest. But my fear is - the force and power of water and movement is so strong - my wimpy tools will not stand up to it. I am afraid of being drowned. I already feel flooded - what must it feel like to be drowned? I can't imagine it because it is terrifying. At times I am afraid that if I let this process start, there will be no end to it - and that will be it. Or maybe I will survive. The not knowing is scary, too. I can see the strength and power of those swells. Am I really strong enough to withstand them? Do I have enough anchors? The thing is I don't know. All of this is new and foreign. The one person that gives me such confidence and strength is gone. How will I get through this without her? She is my largest anchor - she tethers me to the ground. And now that she's gone those things are lost too. So how can I know if I will be okay? Will I ever really know? It's just so hard to say. What I do know is that sometimes it's just too much. It's too much and if I let the tears start, I know they'll never stop.